I’m having a difficult time composing or actually doing anything creative musically. They say one truly doesn’t appreciate what one has until it’s lost or taken away. Well, in my case I know all too well what it’s like having had one organ after another essentially yanked from me over the years. This last time was especially pernicious, having been deceived (again) by clergy. I suppose it’s my fault for actually putting my faith in a clergyman. As a church musician (being an organist) I’ve worked with and known a considerable number of clergy of different denominations, liturgical and non-liturgical; and, of all these clergy persons only one turned out to be a truly sincere and trustworthy person; i. e., some one who is not a hypocrite. I guess because of this one pastor with whom I worked and got to know, whose sincerity and honesty are above reproach, I allowed myself to be duped into thinking that maybe other church officials — namely clergy, but also church musicians — can actually be veracious individuals. Silly me.
Without going into the litany of the times I thought I had finally found an organ on which I could be able to practise and learn the repertoire I had always wanted to play, only to be thwarted for some reason or another, I should have realised at least forty years ago that being an organist was a very, very lamentable life choice. Finally this last time, at Christ Church Episcopal in Quincy, MA it happened one last time. Again my naïveté, my actually thinking that this rector was different for the other clergy (with one major exception) and musicians with whom I had dealt, came back to smack me in the face again. And to add bitter icing on the cake this clergyman has the same name as my favourite jazz trumpeter.
The parallels between the other aspects of my personal life and my problematic relationship with music are somewhat intriguing if not particularly compelling. But, more on that some other time.
Notwithstanding, this last act of my evulsion from an organ (inasmuch as my having become singularly fond of this particular instrument) was particularly demoralising, so much so that I find it harder to concentrate on the one thing that had always been my principle motivating factor in my life — music. Being able to play an organ had always given me the sense of purpose and energy that spurred my interest in other things — notably in other art forms. The organ was my wellspring. It was my interest in the organ that inspired me to compose, roused my desire toward conducting, and interest toward everything musical. Now I feel as if part of my soul has been torn from my being. As I look at my life, where I am in my sunset years, the effect on me is immeasurable. It’s become so problematic for me that I can barely stand to listen to classical music anymore — especially organ music. It didn’t help that my relationship with the organ and organ music was — shall we say — iconoclastic. But, that’s another story.
Although I’ve come to focus more on composing, the inspiration comes harder. I used to improvise for hours at the console, and would be a source in inspiration and ideas. I no longer have that. I have a piano; but, for me it’s not the same or nearly enough. So, to help ease the pain I’ve divorced myself from the organ. I’ve quit most of my organ groups and pages on Facebook (with the notable exception of the Virgil Fox group); I’ve removed my name from the AGO substitute list, and will let my membership expire.* I may continue to write for the instrument and may even continue to write sacred music (for some curiously anomalous reason).
For a pathetic touch of irony, whilst I was still active as an organist I couldn’t get arrested as a substitute; but, since I made the conscious decision that the organ was no longer to be a part of my life, I’ve received more calls than ever to substitute or interim at various churches. Go figger.
*This is no real great loss since the AGO is still obsessed with the traditional church, which is dying, and has consistently refused to seriously consider the organ as a concert instrument; which to me is it’s only future.
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